haibun | november 11

Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed lately. Today I thought I would lay down for a bit before my kids got home from school, but I had one of the sleep paralysis anxiety attacks I get when I’m really pushing myself. It’s basically just a half hour of my heart racing and my stomach clenching while I drift in and out of a sleep terrorized by my to-do list. After that, I was worse off than before. Later I couldn’t speak because making dinner meant getting up, washing dishes, talking to people, and completing successive tasks. Thank god for podcasts- because of the McElroys I was able to get up and make grilled cheese at least.

I keep thinking about all the things I’m supposed to be doing, and everything I let slide. Around here, for example- these pictures are supposed to be photos I’ve taken. Good ones! But I can barely leave my house, and almost never alone. When I do I never get more than 5/1000 shots I’m really happy with. Lately I’ve been so obsessed with my book, and the TikTok I’m managing for my son’s volleyball team, that the poetry I’m posting here is all very last minute and not up to a high standard. You all deserve so much better than that.

I haven’t written any fiction or articles in ages, and the ones that are up still need lots of edits. I have a pile of books about haiku I really want to read, but there never seems to be time. Then, I’ll watch an anime, or a holiday movie with my kids, and chastise myself about how I really do have enough time, I just don’t spend it wisely.

My intent really isn’t to complain, or come here and dump my problems on you. I think I really just want to give you the content you deserve. I made a promise to myself when I started this blog to never waste my reader’s time. I think in the last week I haven’t kept that promise. So, this post is a haibun. An apology haibun. I hope you all will forgive me. After all, I’m writing for you.

learning how long
one can drown
before drowning

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